What to do what to do...

with all these clothes and other things that the girls have that I refuse to sell at a garage sale for like a $1. Well I have a girlfriend that is having a little girl so I am setting aside things for her. I take such good care of my things that I would want to sell their Christmas dresses for like $10 especially since they only wore them once and are still brand new! So I will be trecking onto the Ebay website to see how it does for me. I think I will have to go to the USPS website and see how much their flat rate shipping costs are and add that to the price of the items. Next is do I just sell them for what I want or do I have people bid for them? Choices choices. Well wish me luck, maybe since I'm not working and just taking care of the girls this will be my new side job!

The Call of Midnight

The wind is howling like crazy...nothing worse than it keeping your baby up, along with her cold. I know something worse...it being x3!

I thought it was allergies at first, it still might be, I'll see and know more when the sun comes up. Their runny noses and congested little heads made it near impossible for anyone to get a nap in and made me not be able to shower due to said nap not being taken.

Fast forward to bed time and I know they are all over tired, but I am pleasantly surprised at how easy they went down. Until 30 minutes later when Kitty work up with an attitude like she had some revenge to get at me for something unknown. She was up until 11pm...ugh, well finally she went to sleep in my bed and I was content to leave her there, I was starting to fall asleep until I realized how cold the wind had made it feel in the house. All I could think was if Cisco had turned the thermostat off earlier today or left it on, it certainly felt like he turned it off. You know how when someone falls asleep on you and you do that awkward move to slide out of bed without disturbing them? (I like to think of it as the one night stand slide) well that is what I was doing to get out from under Kitty, it worked but left her close to the edge of the bed and all I could hope for was enough time to turn the heater up and come
Back to take her to her crib. Well, before I could make it down the first step Cici decided the wind was too much as well as her stuffy nose so in the room I went praying that a little holding would do the trick. It did and she fell back asleep fairly quickly. So down the stairs to let the dog out, turn the thermostat up and text Cisco begging for a reprieve. On my way back to my room to fetch a still sleeping Kitty, Cici woke again. Well I had decided that I better hope me transferring one dead sleeping baby to tend to a crying one didn't wake up more than the one that was already awake, it didn't.

So here I sit, rocking Cici listening to the wind do a number to the outside trees and the bench that keeps knocking against the railing on the front of the house (which I'm sure will wake up one of the girls later...again). I'm tired, I feel dirty and I just remembered my kitchen still has food siting out from dinner.

Oh well, like Scarlett O'Hara said "I can't think about that now, I'll think about that tomorrow".

This Little Light...

Sometimes I wish I could see the greatness, the light at the end of the tunnel. But all too often I only see the long days, filled with screaming, fighting and unhappiness from not being able to reach a sippy cup or not being able to have the last bite of oatmeal, I speak of the girls of course. There are those times in the day where it is pure bliss. Everyone is happy, they play nicely, get along, give kisses to each other and are so pleasant that I am amazed at the other feelings that I have of misery from time to time due to just being overwhelmed in general.

Right now is one of those times where no matter how hard we try they are just impossible to make happy, due to nap time fast approaching. One trip and fall leads to screaming and not being able to console, one snatch of a toy from another baby incites a riot of temper tantrums that eventually gets another involved as well. It just seems to pile up, there are always going to be good times and bad, but I think if I keep the bigger goal in mind I will be ok, the bright light made by three girls at the end of my tunnel.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

In the morning I was still not feeling well from the Morphine that I was given from my spinal and it was difficult to get up just to go to the bathroom without feeling like I was going to toss my cookies. I was pleasantly surprised over the pain situation though. I went through so much pain the next day after having Anthony and for several days afterward. But the recovery with the girls was surprisingly easy and not very painful at all. The main goal that the nurse put up on the wall for me that day was to feel better so that I could go and see my girls. Cisco was there when I woke up and stayed there through the morning and mid afternoon because I was still in and out of sleep. He told me the weight and length of the girls and I was just glad to hear that they were doing well and I wanted to go and see them. It was later in the afternoon that day when I was feeling well enough to go and see the girls. I got loaded up into the wheelchair and Cisco took me to go and see my girls.

It was so hard to go and see my babies. The first one that I saw was Catherine. She had the darkest hair and Cisco had won the bet for sure that they would have a full head of hair, cause they all did. She had so many wires and tubes hooked up to her. She looked so small. I just couldn't believe it. She had umbilical lines coming out of her belly button to monitor, as well as a little wire stuck to her with a little gold bear sticker to monitor her temperature. She was surrounded by her little "frog" pillows (which are like little bean bag pillows that snuggle them to simulate being in the womb) There were monitors for everything, several bags of medicine, and I know the nurse was explaining everything to me and telling me what everything was for but I didn't hear much of it. I was just heartbroken that I couldn't hold my baby girl. I NEEDED to hold her...but I couldn't. She wasn't ready to be held and she needed to rest.

Cisco wheeled me over to Cecilia and she was a bit smaller than Catherine. Everything was the same with her as it was with Catherine, but she got to bunk next to Charlie which was nice that they were close to eachother. Charlie was the smallest and the doctor said that she had a little fight to go still cause she was the sickest of the 3. Charlie was on a breathing machine to help her because she was having a hard time doing it herself. I cried a little when seeing Catherine and Cecilia but I was just tore up looking at Charlie. I wanted to break open that box take her out and hold her for hours upon hours. She was my tiny miracle. She was my baby that I knew right away what I wanted to name her. She was my baby that stayed up with me on those late graveyard nights dancing to the Beatles music that I would play for her. She was bullied out by her big sister and she wasn't ready to come out at all. I was so scared that things would get worse before they got better but the doctors and nurses as well as my husband kept telling me that I had to stay strong for my girls and that I had to be optimistic and think good thoughts. I had to use the time that I had in the hospital to focus on getting better so that I can come and see my girls more and more and spend more time with them. The only good side to being stuck in that hospital for 4 days was that I could go and see my girls when ever I wanted to go and whenever I was up to it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Waking up that morning I could tell that something was different. I couldn't put my finger on it but it just seemed that way. The nurses all came in as usual, the doctor came in to check on me and said everything looked ok. But standing up I noticed that it seemed like I was leaking all over again like when my water orignially broke. The nurses said that it was usual, sometimes the water around the baby would build up all over again in their head plugged the hole, she must have been moving around and that made me leak.

The doctors had ordered another ultrasound though, like they had said they would a few days before to check on the girls. When doing the ultrasound the tech had said that it looked like there was nearly no water around Charlie (baby C), which had worried me and then all the leaking had made sense. They had been moving around but they were not cooperating for the nurses when they were to do the monitoring. One would move around too much, the other was in a horrible position and seemed to be sleeping, and the other...who knows I can't rememeber now.

Well visitors thoughout the day and naps here and there was what I had managed to get done. My son's other grandmother had come to visit for a while later that night and was my last visitor of the evening. During the visit the nurses had said that they were due to do the girls monitoring and wanted to know if I wanted her to go, I didn't mind her being there, all modesty had been lost months and days ago when getting checked in! So while the nurses where trying as usual to monitor the girls they noticed that their heart rates were unusually high and didn't seem to be going down. They were having a hard time getting a long pattern due to them moving as well. I could tell there was some worry on their faces which made me a little anxious. At this point I had wished that I had told his grandmother to go. I think that she could see that I was worried and decided on her own to go home. About 40 minutes into the monitoring the nurses called the doctor and told him what was going on, they were ordered to do temp, BP and blood draws to check my white blood count. About an hour later when the nurse came in I knew it was bad news. My blood count was elevated and the doctor was going to take the girls out because there was an infection starting.

Nothing but panic had set in, all I could do was worry that the girls weren't ready to come out, they were too small. Not to mention the fact that when I had a C-section with Anthony it was a horrible experience and I nearly threw up thinking about everything I was about to go though again. I was terrified. Cisco was the calm during the storm, or at least that was the face and front that he had put on. He called everyone that needed to be called so that they knew what was going on. My mom came down with the kids so they could be there and wait.

I was wheeled into the OR and given a Spinal, which by the way is the worst pain ever, the nurses were the best, so nice, thoughtful, full of hope and happiness for us. I was a little freaked out when I saw how big the room was and all the things that were in there, there were a pretty good size team of nurses from the NICU getting things prepared at their isolettes and waving hello.

When the nurse laid me on the table and got me covered she had asked me what kind of music I liked I told her the Beatles, since that was the only thing I could get out at the time. The doctor came in and said that he was going to take good care of me and the girls and then began. I remember that Billy Joel was playing on the stereo and it was "She's always a woman to me". The doctor had said, "for the rest of your life you will remember this song." I think it was a little after that Cisco had come in.

The doctor and Cisco told me when my Baby A came out...11:55pm, Catherine. I could hear a little cry. Sounded like a kitten or a puppy. Next 11:56pm Baby B...Cecilia. The doctor said that he had a hard time getting to the next baby that she was wedged up so high. Baby C...11:58pm, Charlie. All my babies were out, I didn't get to see anyone. They were taken to the isolettes and started to be tended to. Cisco went with the NICU doctor and headed out with them when they were ready. He got to see the girls first, he got to get their weight and their measurements.

When I was all sewn back together I was taken to recovery which at some point I had fallen asleep, but when I woke up the morphine that they shot into my spine did a number on me. I'm glad that I was still numb when I threw up, cause other wise it would have really hurt. Cisco tried to tell me a bit about the girls, but to this day I don't remember much...too many drugs I'm guessing.

But the doctor was right, to this day when I hear that Billy Joel song I cry. I hug my girls and look at each of them. I think of how small they were when they were born and how much of a miracle they really were and are.

Monday - October 11, 2010

Nothing too exciting happens in the hospital, the girls have been behaving and nothing changes over the next couple of hours.

The leaking of my water has come to a stop which is a welcome surprise and all I can think of is when can I take a shower and can it be as soon as possible. I begged the nurses and they called the doctors and asked what they thought about it, when I was flagged ok to take one, I practically ran to do so.

I think the thing that was the most frustrating was being alone. It was nice when during the day I would get visitors. I would have friends from church come by and visit for a bit and Olivia and the girls grammy would come by and visit too.

I think the one visit that I got that made me even more paranoid about the girls arrival was a visit from one of the NICU doctors. She made me nervous because she talked about all the complications and things that happen to most preterm babies. I wanted to run from the room. She asked if I had any questions and I was just in shock and what was worse was that I was alone when she came in, Cisco was at home with Kipper and the kids so he missed out on the enlightning visit. (I was shocked several months later so see that I was billed for the doctor coming to give me a NICU heads up, pissed me off)

All I could really do was try to keep myself busy. I think the highlight of the day was choosing what I was going to eat for the day. Since I had no limits of a special diet I could pick what I wanted from the kitchen and since I had one of the best nurses ever she gave me a heads up on how I could order and change things the way I wanted, I could ask for things that weren't even on the menu and I could order extra things and they could save it in the nurses fridge for later so if I got hungry I could eat. I loved it. I also had little stashes of food in the room with me.

Olivia's godmother was the best and brought me some fruit cups and also resupplied my yarn for the blankets that I was working on for the girls. Of course when the kids came for visits they took advantage of the fact that there was all this food in the room, Anthony would help himself to my dinner that I didn't finish...it was funny cause Olivia would yell at him about it. "Don't eat mom's food! She needs it for the girls!" We watched a movie once or twice in my room since there was a DVD player and that was nice.

I really missed my husband mostly though, he was the one that could keep me focused, he is the one that I could talk to or even just sit in the room with for hours at a time and not do anything too special but watch people come for temp checks and monitor the girls. I know that he was bored out of his mind and even worse when I would beg and cry for him to spend the night on that horrible cot or chair he would. There were plenty of times I told him to go home so he could sleep there with the kids and so that he could actually get some sleep without people coming in at all hours of the night. He was my sanity. He still is.

Sunday - October 10, 2010

It had been a long night and now we were onto day two. Cisco had stayed and slept on the little couch that was in the room and looked very tired as well. They decided to move me to a room in the anepartum hall in the maternity ward to wait out the delivery of the girls. There was going to be another injection of steroids later in the day, which I definately was not looking forward to since the last one was so painful. Upon moving to the new room the nurses disconnected me from all of the monitors that were hooked up around my belly and were told by the doctor they had to monitor me every 4 hours to check up on heartbeats and so on. That morning there was another nurse that came in to give an ultrasound to check on the babies and how they were moving and the water levels that were around them. I had grown very tired of laying down or sitting so I was so happy when I had to get up to run to the restroom since that was the only time I was allowed to get up out of bed.

The doctor came in to check in on me and see how things were going. He ordered me to wait until after Tuesday to have to deliver the girls since he was not going to be in town due to a conference he had to attend out of town. I told him I would do my best, but I was also wondering again how long I was going to be in that room. They were hoping for at least 4 weeks to get the girls nice and big and their lungs developed enough so that there wouldn't be too many problems. The doctor was very optimistic on how far I had already been able to carry them without any problems, they said that I at least hit the mark where the girls would be a little safer than if needed to be delivered a couple weeks sooner than now.

So getting settled into my room and trying to get used to the idea that I would be there for a while was hard. Cisco left in the morning to get cleaned up and bring some much needed items for me to survive the day. My mom said that she was going to bring the kids in the afternoon to visit which would be nice, but since there is a time limit at night I was not looking forward to them leaving. I think the hardest thing that I was going to have to deal with was Cisco working and the kids being in school. I was going to be alone most of the day and at night I couldn't ask Cisco to stay at the hospital, it was just too uncomforatable and there was Kipper and the kids couldn't just stay with my mom all the time.

There were some very important people that came to visit with me that afternoon and early evening which made things a bit easier, but I was just so lonely. The nurses were great and came to visit quite often and we got to know each other pretty good in that first day. There was one nurse that was asking on the names that I had picked for the girls and I told her Catherine, Cecilia and Charlie. I had picked out who Charlie was going to be from the very begining (She was at the top of my belly right above my stomach) and at that point she was my favorite, she was firey and kept me company in the late nights when I was working. The other two slept most of the night and kept me up when I was trying to get some sleep durning the day. I told the nurse that Cisco and I thought that Baby A would be Catherine, since most of the time she was sleeping and like a little princess she needed her beauty sleep. Baby B was going to be Cecilia since I had already picked out Charlie. It was decided and the nurse put it up on the little white board to keep me focused and so that when people came to do check ups they could call them by name and not A, B and C.

I was so tired of getting blood drawn. I know that they had to do it, but I was just so tired of getting poked and prodded at. Temperature checks and blood pressure. I think the worst was when they would have to come in and do the monitors on the girls. It would take forever for them to get a good beat on them since they were moving all the time. Once they would get one someone would move. I think Cecilia was the most difficult. There were times where we would be at it for an hour just to find their beats and keep them there. The monitoring had to last for a solid hour of beats...good luck. It would take about 2 hours sometimes, there were other times where the nurses would call the doctor and find out if they would be able to stop or try again in a few hours. They would find a beat and I would have to lay so damn still so the girls wouldn't move, however, my back would hurt, my legs would go numb, I would have to pee...there was always something that would make it near impossible to get a good beat on the little ladies.

The kids came that night after they had done homework and had dinner and at that point there was only about an hour for them to visit and I would always hope that the monitoring would be held off until they left so my visits wouldn't be interrupted. The nurses were great and would wait. they would tell me about their day and I missed them so much. I was so sad when they had to leave. I just wanted to go home so bad. I guess it would have been nice if I had had my computer :)